Oh fkfkfkfkfkfkfkfk!  OK so I'm having a bit of a panic here...and I know I haven't told you all the full story but the few I'd normally phone in a panic are 'indisposed' at the moment and I think I need to just tell someone. So I'm going to tell the anonymous public!

I may have mentioned 'guy once dated' in my previous blog post. Well I'm not going into the detail now because (a) it's kind of irrelevant at the moment and (b) I don't have time, I need your help!  OK so I dated him a few times a few years ago, nice guy, good looking, interesting, ambitious, treated me really well...and I put an end to it because my head was up the proverbial @rse of Pervy PT and I couldn't see straight for the head fuck that he was instilling on me, something I often regretted. Anyway, without filling you in on the boring detail, I got back in touch and it has gone well...I think. I'm not sure. I think it's gone well, but I'm still left over analysing (a family flaw!) and engaging in a lot of 'what ifs' so I've decided to take the "Do what you want and what feels right approach" over the "Do what you should do / what 'the rules' say you should do / what your friends might say you should do..." Screw that, I'm doing what I want...except when I was sent to the UK with work, but was coming to London a day early and suggested we meet up (oh didn't I say, he lives in London??) he asked if I wanted to stay in his. Now. I have NO idea if that means crash on the couch, stay with me, have a weekend together, do your own thing and sleep in my apartment, who the fuck knows!  All I DO know is that planning this shit over email or Facebook leaves a LOT of room for ambiguity and miscomprehension.  Anyway, after reading that I had palpitations, perhaps a minor panic attack and a lot of fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck before I finally, carefully, after 20 minutes, constructed a response which included something along the lines of "yeah that'd be cool..." That'd be COOL?? COOL?  How old am I? "That's no hassle..."???!!!! he equally very maturely included in his reply. Are we both ten?!?!?!? Readers, followers, friends....???

So ya I'm now having a shit attack and trying to talk myself off the window ledge.  Although I am a ground floor apartment so I guess worst that'll happen is I'll scrape my knee...or depending on how I fall I could actually bust my nose or smash my teeth...Oooookaaaayyyyy, step away from the ledge Nemo! Turning up at 'guy once dated's house with a gappie mouth and broken nose, not a good look. So, what am I doing? What am I at? Yikes!  I'm excited and panicking in equal measure! I'm supposed to live in the now, this is my new mantra, why am I panicking?  What's the worst that can happen?  I sleep on the couch (free accommodation!), we have random sex (I have sex!), we screw it all up and it's all just a big mess (I have sex, free accommodation and another disaster to add to the collection)...here's hoping it's none of the above, that it goes really well, we have a laugh, we have fun, we get on well...and yes, we have sex!

I know I haven’t been on in a while. I’ve been busy…very busy in fact. Busy leaving The Tank!!  Yup, I’ve left The Fish Tank. I am no longer a Fish Tanker.  I am freeeeeeeee!!!  I spent the last number of months very, very excited about this and I am super, super, super happy and proud that I’ve finally escaped...  I’ll miss some of the other tankers for sure, but I’d rather miss some of them from outside than be inside!! 

 

So! I left at end August and immediately embarked on a 9 day holiday – New York and London – solo traveller!  I had a ball, an absolute ball. I thought I’d be terrified, mmiserable, sad, lonely, but no…in the city that is full of people and mad and crazy busy, I was the most relaxed solo traveller I ever thought I’d be. I felt so at home just strolling around, taking it all in, visiting museums, SHOPPING (!), running, sitting in cafes, bars, restaurants, watching the world go by.  This could be the new me…

 

Detoured back to Dublin via London and that too was really lovely – more cafes and restaurants and bars…but I was accompanied by my sister on one night and a boy I previousl dated on the other night.  It was truly lovely and again I thought this could be the new me… running, reading, writing, thinking, talking, chatting, living…

 

And now I’m back…and I should be happy. And I am happy. But I’m also a little bit sad. No, no, not that I’ve left The Tank.  I am happy to have left The Tank, I know that was right and I wouldn’t change that for the world. I’m sad because I’m a little lost…coming back from such a lovely break, I feel lost, like I don’t belong.  I’m not sure where I do belong, but I’m starting to think I should have taken some time off to, well, sit in cafes and bars and restaurants, run, stroll, think, write, LIVE!  But alas, I have accepted a job for 6 months which I must start on Monday.  No, I say alas but I don’t really mean that.  Think big picture Nemo!! You’ve moved into a little pond for 6 months to get back into the swing of things before jumping out of that pond and perhaps into another pond, or a puddle or a bowl (OK maybe not a bowl) or a river or even the ocean…and swim along and find the next adventure…

 

I’m sorry reader(s)…next blog will be better I promise. I’ll fill you in on the last few days in The Tank, on the most wonderful trip, the evening with the ‘boy I dated’, the course I’ve just completed and the first few days in the new pond.  But for now, I’m heading to bed, doing some creative visualisation (!) and hoping to wake up and find myself…and if not I’ll run and run and run until I do (OK so I’ve a race tomorrow, but you get me…)