Earlier on in the year I think I mentioned that I came close to an encounter with the law… I was at home last  Sunday morning, radio on, listening to The Sunday Business Show when I heard them talk of driving licences…and I went “FUCK!”  My licence had expired on the 12^th of December!  That’s nearly a month of driving around with no licence and therefore probably no car insurance.  Ironically, for once, I had fully up-to-date car tax.  Now, I’m not the best with my car. I went through a three year period where I had no car tax and had been fined not once, not twice, but three times, I left it two years before getting my last car serviced, at which the mechanic said “I have never seen an air filter like the one I took from your car”, my tyres are as close to the legal limit as is possible without being legal, the NCT expired five months ago and I’ve been putting off getting it done until such time as I replace the close-to-limit tyres. However I always, ALWAYS have up to date insurance and a valid driving licence…um except for this time and ten years ago when I realised three weeks after the fact that it had, indeed, expired. Now I hasten to add that as soon as I did, I downed keys and did not drive the car until this was fully rectified!!

The next day I logged on to rsa.ie thinking I could either apply online or download the forms…not so!  One must go to local library or Garda station and pick up a form in person.  So off I trotted to Pearse St. Garda station to embark on the licence renewal journey, so to speak.  “Hello officer, could I get a driving licence renewal form?”  “Is it a driving test form?”  “Um no officer, a driving licence RENEWAL form”… *goes in the back office to see if they have any*  “We don’t have any, sorry” “OK, thank you officer”… Dang!  I had noticed online that there are new driving licence cards being issued from the 19^th of January, so perhaps that’s why the forms are in such low supply. I phoned my local library but they said they had no forms, they had been destroyed in preparation for the new online application. In order to get a form I would have to go to the motor tax office.  There are two motor tax offices in Dublin – Smithfield and Clondalkin – open 9.30-3.30, Monday to Friday. Fan-frigging-tastic!  OK I’ll try one more Garda station, my local one, maybe they’ll have one or two hanging around there. 

So late that Monday evening, I trudged up to Donnybrook Garda station and knocked on the big heavy doors on Morehampton Road. The lights were on, but it seemed no one was home. Come on, it’s a cop shop, it has to be open right?  OK so it’s a cop shop in Dublin city, it has to be open. I banged the door again very loudly and then had a thought “Oh! This is not the actual front door, well it is the front door, but you don’t use it”…kind of like many houses down the country. This is the front door, but it’s never used! (I never did understand that. If you have a front door, why the hell wouldn’t you use it?!  If you don’t want people going in the front, well then don’t have a door there for Christ’s sake! This has probably come from my own upbringing when any man, woman, dog or child could use our front door. If you came to the back you would probably not even be noticed)…Anyway, I finally found the side entrance and headed in, about my business.

There were forms for driving tests, for resitting driving tests, for passports, for motor tax (they have forms for that?!)…but none on display for renewing driving licences, so I rang the bell signed “Ring for assistance” and out came a young f’lla of about 29 years of age. 

Nemo:             Hello officer, I’m wondering if you have any driving licence renewal forms?

Guard:             Is it a dhrivin’ test for-um yi’re lookin’ for?

Nemo:             Um no officer, a driving licence RENEWAL form

Guard:             Eh, are thir none there? Oh no, listen sure there’sh a new licence now comin’ out on 19^th of January. They’ve taken all the for-ums away from us. Ya have to go the mothor tax awfice.

Nemo:             Oh no, not the motor tax office, officer. I work in Dublin 4 from 8-5, I’ll never get to Smithfield or Clondalkin to get a form.

Guard:             Meh-be they’ll send wan out ta ya.  Here, why don’t I wait for the new licence on 19^thJanuary, sure what are we now, the 7^th?

Nemo:             But officer I have no licence at the moment, it’s expired since *lower voice and speak through side of mouth* 12^th December

Guard:             Ah sure when’s the last time you were stopped by a gy-uard?

Nemo:             *Chuckle to self* But officer that’s hardly the point, while concerned about being stopped by a guard, what about my insurance?

Guard:             Sure that’s only a small thing, if I were you I’d hang on til the new wans come out an’ git wan a doze. Sure yi’ll be stuck with the paper wan for 10 yearsh then, ya can only get a new wan if you lose the old wan.

Nemo:             OMG officer, can I record this??

Guard:             *guffaws loudly* Fire ahead! Ah now, ya picked the wrong wan to ask about this stuff, I’m fierce relaxed about it all, but ya know a thraffic gy-uard might have a different view. Tell ya what phone the mothor tax office in the marnin’ and ask dem will they give ya wan a the new ones, they might!

Nemo:             Oh OK officer!  Well thanks for your time, I’ll phone them….

Guard:             G’luck, g’luck!

I – shit – you – not!