Day 2 - Single Woman's 30-Day Blogging Challenge

So it's day two of the blogging challenge - hope you enjoy!

Day 2, question 2: Describe a moment or a day when being single really sucked.

I could be facetious and just say “Take your pick – Wednesday when I did really well in an interview and wanted someone to get as excited about it as I was; Thursday when I was feeling horny; Friday when I cut my finger and was convinced I was going to bleed out in my living room alone; Saturday when I was twitching for a night out and there was no one around; Sunday when I wanted to go to the pub to watch the Ryder Cup and couldn’t bring myself to go alone because not only would my secret be out (I watch golf!), but it’s still slightly odd for a woman to go into a pub on her own in Dublin in 2014; Monday when I cooked enough dinner for a family of seven and ran out of Tupperware containers to freeze it and would have liked a man to horse into two or three portions; Tuesday when I wanted a hug after a rather depressing meeting with a recruiter who told me that opportunities are slim and I need to basically lower my expectations, look internationally or, in my words, settle!”

But the question is to describe a day or moment, so here goes. 

I’m quite an independent person.  I have been on my own for a while and know how to change a light bulb, fix a TV, cook a three course meal for fourpeople, live on my own, travel on my own, who to phone when the car breaks down!  I’m the person my family calls when something goes wrong. It’s my role, I’m the carer, the fixer, the one who can ‘help’…so when I’m the one who needs help, care, something goes wrong...well eh what do you do?!. 

Twice recently I found myself in a vulnerable position where I needed help.  I had to go into hospital for the most minor of minor elective surgeries, which was my first experience of ‘going under’. I have to say I was very excited and mildly nervous of being under general anaesthetic.  Would I be that urban legend who would wake up mid-op and feel pain but be paralysed to speak?  Would I have an out of body experience, the story of which I could sell to dailymail.co.uk? Would I even die and my last thought be ‘I hope they sort out the lump on my fing….’

Foolishly perhaps, I didn’t think that I would not be released to go home on my own, after being knocked out and also for the first time.  So when my dad dropped me to the clinic on his way to his hospital appointment, I warned him that he was to go home, I did not want to wake up and he there, I was a big girl and could look after myself.  So two hours later when the 15 year old nurse asked me who was collecting me, I rather proudly said “Oh I’ll be getting a taxi”…and she retorted “Oh you won't be getting a taxi, you must be collected, we can’t release you otherwise.” 

“Oh eh OK, well, (mind runs quickly through list of friends – France, New York, Boston, just had baby, Cork, Italy…they were all out of Dublin!!) what time will I be released?”

“I don’t know, two hours after you come back to the ward”
“Yeah but what time will that be, it’ll be too late for my father, he will be gone, I told him to go…”
“I don’t know exactly, maybe 4.00, maybe 3.00.  I’m sure a friend would collect you, do you…have…a friend?”
“It’s Friday afternoon, everyone is at work”
“But we can keep you until after work, surely a…friend…would collect you”
“I DON’T HAVE A "FRIEND"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK so I didn’t verbalise the last bit but was screaming it inside…and there and then I realised I don’t have that one person who MUST come and collect me, who knows that I’m in hospital and would probably know that I would need collecting and would make it his business to be available.  And while I did have people to call and they all just happened to be otherwise engaged and I did call my brother who very kindly, with no questions, jumped to it and stepped right in and I will be eternally grateful to him, at that very moment, I just lay there in the gaping at the back hospital gown, on my own, thinking “being single SUCKS!!!!!”

The Single Woman's 30-Day Blogging Challenge

Well hello there folks.  So you can tell by the title of this post that either my online dating was a disaster or I got bored. I am ashamed to say it was the latter.  There was viewing of my profile but no contact. I did make contact with a few guys and one did come back with all 'the chat' but I realise he is a serial responder!!  So after about two weeks, I got bored.  I have to tell you it's a bit soul destroying for a fish!  Well I was only dipping my toe in the 'pond' to test myself but I know it's something I have to do, unless I want to be writing The Single Woman's 3,650-Day Blogging Challenge in my mid-late 40s.

So, what is this all about.  Some of you may be aware of Mandy Hale, the original Single Woman.  If you don't know her, whether single, dating, relationship, married, divorced or celibate, check her out.  She's got some really great words of wisdom. Some may piss you off depending on where you are at, but you might just get something from some of it. I really like her ethos, her thought process and her words of wisdom, even if, despite myself, I don't always listen :-(

Anyway, enough about that, what's with the blogging challenge Nemo?  Well Mandy has set a 30-Day blogging challenge, with questions to which you can answer and blog, one each day for 30 days.  And now that I am 'freelancing with no current projects'/desperately seeking (near to) perfect employment' I thought this was exactly the time to take up this challenge.  Some may be funny, some serious, but I'm trying to keep it light. 

Now I will preposition this by saying I may sound a little bit angry or bitter in some answers, please be assured it's not directed at you (unless perhaps you're Sleazy PT, Guy Once Dated, Smug Married, Smug Mom...then perhaps I am a liiiiiiittle pissed with you but am getting over it).  It is not my intention to insult (even those in brackets), so if you feel insulted, I apologise. This is not about anyone but me, so please don't take anything personally, laugh with me, please don't cry even with me, it'll be really awkward, and if you enjoy this or any of my blog, share, share, share :-)  OK here goes:

Day 1, Question 1:
Your response to everyone’s favourite question: “And why are YOU still single?”

I'm always tempted to say "And why are YOU still married to HIM/HER?" when someone asks me this, but the psychoanalyst will use words such as "projecting issues" and I have neither the time nor inclination to argue that or even consider if they're right!

Oh I guess it's because I haven't met the right person yet.  Fussy?  Well no I don't think I'm fussy, I know what I like and what I don't like. Give him a chance?  Well I give everyone a chance, but if they don't make an impact on me, well they don't make an impact.  Words dead, flogging and horse come to mind.

I will certainly admit that in my younger years, I always felt I had time, that there was someone more interesting, better looking, successful, fun out there and so was always looking outside. Hmmm, guess that didn't quite work out.

Then there was the looooong period of my life where I tended to always go for someone who liked me, but was in some way unavailable.  Was I slutty and sleeping around, "giving the wrong impression" as one friend referred to sleeping with someone too early in a relationship (please tell me, when is that?? I've heard of people who've married having slept with each other on date one, and someone else who was dumped for not putting out soon enough?!) 

I know I would always give guys a chance to a certain point and as soon as it started to get serious, or I'd have to become any way vulnerable I'd back away or sabotage.  Call it not wanting to get hurt, call it immaturity, but whatever you call it you can call it a waste of time.

So here I am in mid to late 30s, happy with my life, successful, fit and healthy, not bad looking, own teeth and hair (so much of own hair I'm getting much of it permanently removed!!), own home (albeit rented), own car (albeit 8 years old) and finally ready to meet someone and not only are there not many of those matched men out there, but there is not social scene to even meet them (utter the words 'join a club' at your peril!).  So how did I find myself in this position?  How did it happen so quickly?  When did everyone else grow up and become "we"?

What I often want to say to people who ask that question is usually something along the lines of one or all of the following:
And why are you still married to him/her?
Because I'm really a thundering bitch that no one would dare spend a night with, never mind most of their spare time.
Because I'm the Messiah and I can't commit myself to one person, I'm here to save people, yes people like you.
Because I can't imagine saying "til death do us part" or having sex with just one person for the rest of my life...
Because I don't want to end up like you - bored, nosey and living my life through someone else.
Because I won't settle.
Because I'm emotionally fucked and don't know how to be happy.
And why are YOU still a nosey bitch?

But the real answer to "And why are YOU still single? is "I don't know..."

Sweet Mother of the Divine Jesus...I've just set up a profile (with PICS!!!) on a dating website. And I've sent two messages to what seem like two really nice guys.  What seem like being operative words!!
I think the fact that I'm no longer working, or not currently working should I say, means that signing up to an online website where everyone can see my name, pictures, profile description, thoughts, ambitions and aspirations, and opening the possibility to them being crushed doesn't seem to bother me so much.  Well, that and the fact that my little brother got married at the weekend and it's kind of awoken me to the fact that I need to do more if I am to meet someone.  Do I think I'll meet MoD (Man of Dreams) on some free online dating website in Dublin?  NO!  But do I think it's good practice for flirting and dating? YES!!
You see, since Guy Once Dated left and reappeared on social media with a new chick within 4 weeks, well I've been having a bit of a dry spell and being on the cusp of late 30s I can't really sit here protecting the old heart and letting the lips (or indeed the lady garden!) get dusty!!  Nope I need to get back on out there and put myself out there and at least try to flirt, have a bit of excitement and fun! 

So it's been 13 minutes since my profile went live and I've already had one weirdo "Hey!" message.  Please!! Boys, can you just send me a little bit more information than "Hey!".  Keep your "Heys!" for Tinder, my experience on which ended with the words "stupid c__t" by a charming solicitor in Ranelagh who took offence with me questioning some pretty suspect claims!  Whether I was right or wrong, the C-word really was uncalled for and made me glad we hadn't actually gotten to the stage of meeting!!!!

Right, well I'll keep you posted on anything exciting. 

Readers I’m back!  I know I’ve been off the radar…it’s been a funny time for me. I’ve been CRAZY busy at work, (more of that another time!), have been HORSING on the weight, so much so I even went on Dukan and took a PG test…fear not, fear not. I dumped Dukan and the test was negative! 

But I’m back now and I’m determined to try to focus more on the good and the great muscles I have in my arms rather than the squidge around the belly!!

And with this epiphany (helped by a reiki session and reading…I’m telling you, 6kg gain will make you try ANYTHING!!) I went into training with a new outlook.  I only put on 0.1kg so I'm calling that major success, not only because it's negligible, but also because I had a total bender of a weekend, which included chips!! But I'm loving myself these days and not beating self up...I .... am....AMAAAAAZING!! Did you know that?! 

Anyway, yes, training...so he worked me really hard....I know I wanted to be worked hard, I thought I’d been working hard, but Christ on a bike, this was one hell of a session…

Set 1:
20 squats with 2 x 2.5kg weights pushing them out at shoulder level when you stand up
20 squats with 2 x 2.5kg weights pushing them up in the air when you stand up
20 squats with 2 x 2.5kg weights, hands facing and pushing them up when you stand up
20 squats with 2 x 2.5kg weights used like kettle bells through the leg and stand up
STRAIGHT into sets 2 and 3, no break....
"Now, run around the square as fast as you can...."  Huh???? "Run aorund the square as fast as you can...5...4..."  "OK, OK, sht!!"  nearly got knocked down by a bike on the way back trying to get in as fast as could...

I arrived back in, slightly delirious, shaking and swaying, face BRIGHT RED and a 'glowing' chest (read sweaty and clammy!)

Then onto bench with set 1:
15 bench presses with the same weights
15 twisted bench presses with the same weights
15 flies with the same weights...
straight into sets 2 and 3 no break....By the middle of set 2 I was hurting in my elbow!! My hands shook, my arms shook, my soul was shaking

"OK - step ups....
20 left, 20 right....3 sets....no break.  Throughout it all, all I could think was, he has got to move onto my core now, right??

Back around the square..." WHAT???? No, nooooo, ARE YOU SERIOU.... "...fast as you can...5...4..."  "FOOOOOOOCK!"  Let's just say it was NOT so fast this time and I gladly waited for traffic to pass... This time I am not sure how I made it down the stairs. I ache in so many places, I really don't know. I could have cartwheeled, walked on my hands, slid down on my bum.

Then I had to do planks, 3 sets, no breaks...full, left side, right side, face PUMPING with blood to the surface, like a beetroot that had been embarrassed by a tomato...finally he told me lie on my back, sweat pouring off me, no more trickles or glows, just sweat from every orifice leaving pools behind me...I thought great, on my back, stretching.  "Hold onto my ankles, put your legs in the air (no, nothing kinky, this is Super PT not Sleazy PT!!), swing them down to 2 inches from the ground, 3 sets of 20...I didn't know what I was doing, I was holding my breath, engaging my core, trying not to fart, sliding on t mat from all the sweat I was emitting...I managed two swingings of legs to two inches off the ground, then it became more like 2 feet off the ground and it STILL hurt! 

Finally he said "you're done..." I could have told him that! Training and exercising may help you feel good, look good, feel sexy, be attractive to the opposite sex, but by Christ you sure as hell look shite doing it!

Oh fkfkfkfkfkfkfkfk!  OK so I'm having a bit of a panic here...and I know I haven't told you all the full story but the few I'd normally phone in a panic are 'indisposed' at the moment and I think I need to just tell someone. So I'm going to tell the anonymous public!

I may have mentioned 'guy once dated' in my previous blog post. Well I'm not going into the detail now because (a) it's kind of irrelevant at the moment and (b) I don't have time, I need your help!  OK so I dated him a few times a few years ago, nice guy, good looking, interesting, ambitious, treated me really well...and I put an end to it because my head was up the proverbial @rse of Pervy PT and I couldn't see straight for the head fuck that he was instilling on me, something I often regretted. Anyway, without filling you in on the boring detail, I got back in touch and it has gone well...I think. I'm not sure. I think it's gone well, but I'm still left over analysing (a family flaw!) and engaging in a lot of 'what ifs' so I've decided to take the "Do what you want and what feels right approach" over the "Do what you should do / what 'the rules' say you should do / what your friends might say you should do..." Screw that, I'm doing what I want...except when I was sent to the UK with work, but was coming to London a day early and suggested we meet up (oh didn't I say, he lives in London??) he asked if I wanted to stay in his. Now. I have NO idea if that means crash on the couch, stay with me, have a weekend together, do your own thing and sleep in my apartment, who the fuck knows!  All I DO know is that planning this shit over email or Facebook leaves a LOT of room for ambiguity and miscomprehension.  Anyway, after reading that I had palpitations, perhaps a minor panic attack and a lot of fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck before I finally, carefully, after 20 minutes, constructed a response which included something along the lines of "yeah that'd be cool..." That'd be COOL?? COOL?  How old am I? "That's no hassle..."???!!!! he equally very maturely included in his reply. Are we both ten?!?!?!? Readers, followers, friends....???

So ya I'm now having a shit attack and trying to talk myself off the window ledge.  Although I am a ground floor apartment so I guess worst that'll happen is I'll scrape my knee...or depending on how I fall I could actually bust my nose or smash my teeth...Oooookaaaayyyyy, step away from the ledge Nemo! Turning up at 'guy once dated's house with a gappie mouth and broken nose, not a good look. So, what am I doing? What am I at? Yikes!  I'm excited and panicking in equal measure! I'm supposed to live in the now, this is my new mantra, why am I panicking?  What's the worst that can happen?  I sleep on the couch (free accommodation!), we have random sex (I have sex!), we screw it all up and it's all just a big mess (I have sex, free accommodation and another disaster to add to the collection)...here's hoping it's none of the above, that it goes really well, we have a laugh, we have fun, we get on well...and yes, we have sex!

I know I haven’t been on in a while. I’ve been busy…very busy in fact. Busy leaving The Tank!!  Yup, I’ve left The Fish Tank. I am no longer a Fish Tanker.  I am freeeeeeeee!!!  I spent the last number of months very, very excited about this and I am super, super, super happy and proud that I’ve finally escaped...  I’ll miss some of the other tankers for sure, but I’d rather miss some of them from outside than be inside!! 

 

So! I left at end August and immediately embarked on a 9 day holiday – New York and London – solo traveller!  I had a ball, an absolute ball. I thought I’d be terrified, mmiserable, sad, lonely, but no…in the city that is full of people and mad and crazy busy, I was the most relaxed solo traveller I ever thought I’d be. I felt so at home just strolling around, taking it all in, visiting museums, SHOPPING (!), running, sitting in cafes, bars, restaurants, watching the world go by.  This could be the new me…

 

Detoured back to Dublin via London and that too was really lovely – more cafes and restaurants and bars…but I was accompanied by my sister on one night and a boy I previousl dated on the other night.  It was truly lovely and again I thought this could be the new me… running, reading, writing, thinking, talking, chatting, living…

 

And now I’m back…and I should be happy. And I am happy. But I’m also a little bit sad. No, no, not that I’ve left The Tank.  I am happy to have left The Tank, I know that was right and I wouldn’t change that for the world. I’m sad because I’m a little lost…coming back from such a lovely break, I feel lost, like I don’t belong.  I’m not sure where I do belong, but I’m starting to think I should have taken some time off to, well, sit in cafes and bars and restaurants, run, stroll, think, write, LIVE!  But alas, I have accepted a job for 6 months which I must start on Monday.  No, I say alas but I don’t really mean that.  Think big picture Nemo!! You’ve moved into a little pond for 6 months to get back into the swing of things before jumping out of that pond and perhaps into another pond, or a puddle or a bowl (OK maybe not a bowl) or a river or even the ocean…and swim along and find the next adventure…

 

I’m sorry reader(s)…next blog will be better I promise. I’ll fill you in on the last few days in The Tank, on the most wonderful trip, the evening with the ‘boy I dated’, the course I’ve just completed and the first few days in the new pond.  But for now, I’m heading to bed, doing some creative visualisation (!) and hoping to wake up and find myself…and if not I’ll run and run and run until I do (OK so I’ve a race tomorrow, but you get me…)

Oh!  I am angry today. I'm quite sure I haven't told you the backstory, so I'll have to be quick here.  Lots of calls, lots of deals, lots of queries lots of lazy fuckers - welcome to The Tank. 

I don't take this pressure very well. Actually I tend to take it very well for a certain length of time and then BOOM, BLAST, EXPLOOOOSSSIIIOOOOONNNN!! I just let loose and God love the person at the wrong end of it.

So the week before Easter was a particularly bad week. It was like no one wanted to do their job, just sit there, reading the internet, sending emails, sighing and complaining about having "so much work to do" but actually not doing anything really.  I had reached my limit, I was nearly there, I'd already rather acerbically asked if I was the only one answering phones, I'd snapped at three people, told another that there was a newsflash, he wasn't the only one busy and it was coming up to 4pm on Thursday before Easter.  It was like the tanks were never going to open again, the phones did not stop ringing. 

In short, in a fit of exasperation and rage, I snapped at one of the fish, fucked the ball and chain on the desk, shouted at him, walked off, he shouted after me, I shouted back.  All handbags at dawn shit, but I felt really bad. It was childish of me and I spent most of the weekend trying to figure out if I was in any way right...and I can honestly say I was wrong.  Do I think I should not have gotten annoyed? No. Do I think I overreacted? Yes.  But I came to the conclusion that he is a grown man-fish who's hitting on 40 and quite frankly should at this stage of his life be able to deal with an emotional / angry outburst from a colleague, even if she was female!

Two minutes later I came back to the desk, said nothing, was still shaking with rage (and embarassment if truth be known), but continued to do the job for the final hour. He left early and we did not speak of it.  He arrived in on Monday, was ever so polite to me...and we did not speak of it again. 

That was a month ago.  Today I was sitting in my review with my fish-manager and he asked "So Nemo, The Shark?  Is he pissing you off?" 
"Huh?  Uh no?"
"Oh, just...."
"Are you talking of something in particular? Like I snapped at him a few weeks back"
"Oh, um, yeah, it was mentioned that you got annoyed and I wanted to hear your side of the story"
"Well, oh to be honest it's quite a while ago and I'm not really interested in rehashing it unless he has spoken to you and you feel you need to address it?"  (I should add at this point, I was almost being facetious, I thought, what near 40 year old man-fish would run to teacher?!  ONE!)
"Well when he told me, he did say he didn't like how you reacted"...

So there I am mid thirties, in a work environment, explaining to "teacher" why I snapped at a work colleague. Do not get me wrong, I totally admit that I over-reacted, that I shouldn't have shouted and perhaps fucking the ball and chain on my desk was a tad aggressive!!  My issue is not with him being pissed, my issue is that the man did not have the balls to come to me and address it that day, the next week, a couple of days later, but instead chose to "tell teacher"... I'm sorry Shark, but I have lost what little respect I had for you. End of.

Bring on the day when I can finally jump into the toilet, hope someone yanks that chain and release myself from The Tank.  Due respects to a select few, but I do not belong there!!