Oh God, have I ever told you about what I call the dark period in my life. Well today I had a gentle reminder of it…and it had to do with the clothes I was wearing. I dhraaaagged myself out of bed this morning and panicked about what in the name of Jesus I’d wear. Flipper (our King of the Sea!) had this chat with us a few weeks back to say that we had to pretty much stop wearing the scruffy gear we had and wear professional, sharp,  even dapper clothes to work. I did (subliminally) enquire as to whether a clothes allowance would be available, but (subliminally and literally) he ignored my requests.  Anyway, I managed to pull out a black skirt, black top and mint green cardi which had that sharp, casual-chic look…albeit just in my head. But that’s not really the problem. You see I wear hold ups. Not in a sexy way, I mean there is nothing sexy about the yard of lard that oozes over the silicone laden hosiery nor the chafing of my thighs on the silicone top that tries desperately to cling to my over-due-a-wax legs!  No, no, I wear hold ups cos I just could not be doing tights (or shit hangers as an old friend called them!), they’re so hot and sweaty and all those man-made fibres!!  Ick! So there I was in my hold ups, black pencil skirt, black top and green cardi except every time I moved I could swear I was flashing the cellulite lards over the silicone topped “natural tan” hold ups to all the WWs (Willy Wavers) on the team! And there in a second I was transported back to 2003, to the dark period in my life, during which time I was chastised for wearing a skirt that was too short! I KNOW!! I mean it’s hilarious now, but was kinda morto at the time, particularly as I was still living in the bubble that was “I’m 25 and at my thinnest” (I had recently turned 26 and piled on “a few” pounds!) Then the charming woman who was tasked with telling the fat, slutty 26 year old waited until the day AFTER the offending (NOT SHORT!) skirt had been worn to tell me. So there was I wh0rin’ around the office in a “short skirt” as “management” tutted at the hussie and I completely unaware of! And she also had the gall to say to me “Well Nemo I could have waited until Gerry was back tomorrow and he could have said it to you”…Eh yeah!! How much fun would it have been to see Simple Gerry shuffle in his chair, clenching his arse cheeks together in awkwardness telling someone half his age that there’d been a complaint about the length of her skirt! She stole the one piece of enjoyment I could have got out of that whole experience!  Anyway, there I was reminded about this time of my life when I was the hussie in the short skirt. Ten years later I was there in a short skirt, yet now much more aware of the length…and it dawned on me. I called this “the dark period in my life”…as it was a time where we worked on a desk, from 9-5.25pm Monday to Friday, we all took morning and afternoon tea breaks, we were moulded into robots by “management”, we called them “management”, all my work colleagues told me I didn’t belong, then adding “in a good way”, we drank…a lot. Does this all sound familiar to you??  I need a bottle of vodka.... LARGE!