Day 30 - a letter to my future mate.

Day 30 - question 30: Write a letter to your future mate saying whatever you want to say

Finally I have finished the 30 day blogging challenge...about a month after the 40 days were up, but hey ho, I finished it.  Hope you enjoyed some of it...

Hey Mr. Future Mate,

So I’m supposed to write a letter to you saying whatever I want to say.  And I’m hoping that we don’t need letters for this, but actually say to each other what it is we want to say. But in the interest of this exercise there are a few things that are important to me and to us so here goes.

I have chosen you from the list of candidates that the agency forwarded to me / group of drunken guys in the bar who spoke to me that night / very short list of friends of friends / best looking of the guys I met that day / line up when I was identifying who I was stalking, and I chose you because I liked you / liked you the best / you were the only one who spoke back.  Now that you’ve chosen me too let’s make this work. 

Be honest, be kind, be fun, be yourself. Challenge me, call me on it. Don’t hurt me, don’t mess me around.

I love you for everything you are and everything that you’re not. Don’t try to be something you’re not, because I’m going to be just me. 

Nemo xx

Day 27 - Something I really, really love about myself

Day 27, questions 27 - Talk about something that you really, really, really love about yourself.

This is a really tough one.  I think it’s a mix of my caring nature and my dark, strong hair! I love that I am thoughtful, caring, generous with me and my time. I love how I can build and forge friendships, how I maintain friends over years and years and still make new friends nearly every year, how I have friends I see once or twice a year and some I see once or twice a week.  I love that I care about my family and put a big effort into each and every one of them. I’m not perfect, don’t get me wrong. I can be a royal pain in the hole, I can be a martyr and I can get pissed off “always being the thoughtful one”. But I would not change it for the world.  It’s part of who I am.

 

As indeed is my dark, strong hair…and I should say it’s the hair on my head and my eyelashes I love.  I fucking HATE the hair on my body!  Defluff, wax, shave, pluck the rest of it off puhlease!  But the hair on my head has been blowdried, straightened, chopped, died, pulled, blown in the wind, all to within an inch of its life…and I can still just wash, blow dry, straighten and walk out the door and look like I just stepped out of a salon...well not quite. In fact I regularly look like I've been pulled through a hedge backwards.  I mean I'm sitting here with my hair drying naturally, knowing that later this evening I'll have to spend some time taming and styling it.  But I still get compliments about my hair from hairdressers to randomers and friends who comment on its strength, shine and condition.  I can do a mean hair flick and when it's been styled it'll bounce and wave almost as well as my knockers in a poorly supported bra.  Shout out must go to Daddy Nemo from whom I get the wonderful hair genes. 

 

Oh and a particular special mention has to go to my bum.  Now, I would not say my bum is something I really, really, really love about myself. I don’t love it. In fact, I don’t even really like it.  But my bum in a catsuit caught the eye of one young f'lla last month and resulted in me not only being mistaken for someone 7 years younger nor an ego boost that was sorely, sorely needed, but also ended in nabbing me a guy 8 years my junior.  Bum, on that Friday night last month, I really, really, really loved you!

Day 26 - song that makes me cry

Day 26, question 26 - Name a song that makes you cry every time you hear it and why

Cavalleria rusticana - Intermezzo sinfonico or as I call it the music at the end of Godfather III and beginning of Raging Bull.  I have no idea why I find it so moving. Perhaps because it’s played at the end of GF III (SPOILER ALERT) when Michael experiences the real pay back of a life of trying to protect his family.  I am deeply, deeply in love with the Godfather story and am quite sure I was a gangster’s moll or an Italian American in NYC in the 1930-70s in a previous life. I became so invested in Michael and Kay that I felt I was going through their marriage with them.  Ya I’m sliiiightly crazy by times. 

Anyway, that song, every time I hear the start of that piece, I well up.  My friend had it at her wedding during her vows, I was bridesmaid, I am on video biting my lip and looking like I’m trying to hold something back. To those who don’t know me it looks like I’m screaming DON’T DO IT…except I’m just screaming DON’T CRY!!

Day 25 - paying it forward

Day 25, question 25 - Describe a moment when you “paid it forward.” What happened and how did it feel?

Yikes, I have tried to think about this one and I can’t think of one example when I did ‘pay it forward’.  I’m sure I have, but I just can’t think of a time.  Eeeeek… Does that make me a bad person? 

Day 24 - ONE day of my life I'd relive...

Day 24, question 24 - If you could relive ONE day of your life, what would it be? And would you change anything?

Dublin City Marathon.  An out and out winner!  It started on a foggy October bank holiday Monday morning around 5.30am with a wholemeal bagel and banana, a protein shake (what was I thinking!) and about a litre of water.  After many trips to the loo, with trickles of pee coming out, but convinced I ‘just had to go’, a triple and quadruple check of my backpack, I was ready to go.  One of my friends, another virgin marathon runner, we shall call her Shivemo, called for me and we made the walk from Dublin 4 to Stephen’s Green through the lifting fog, with talks of what we had eaten, how we felt, did we need more water, in X hours it would all be over.  The closer we got to The Green, the more excited I got. I wasn’t really that nervous, or was I? I didn’t know. I’d never done something this big before. I was concentrating on finding the portaloo before the race, dropping my bag in the security area, locating satellites on my Garmin, finding the correct wave, hugging Shivemo and my other virgin marathon runner, whom we shall call Joymo, and headed to the start line.

Runners huddled together for warmth before hearing the first klaxon go (that’d be the elite runners)…then it was time for me to strip off the "Penney’s Best" hoodie and tracksuit….Klaxon 2 went and I was off.  OK Nemo, stay calm, keep at your target pace, don’t chase yer man, don’t try to keep up with Shivemo or Joymo.  Oh wow there are a lot of people, Baby you were boooorn to ruuuuuun, why did I choose Bruce for my first song, he’s more a 14 mile inspiration…one mile down, fuck I’ve 25 POINT TWO more of these to go….O’Connell Street has a bit of an incline, Jesus didn’t notice that before…OK this is OK, 2 miles…Are we human or are we dancer, my sign is vital…this song’s a bit slow, mind it’s probably good at this stage.  3 miles….The Park – yay!!!  By the time I leave this I’ll be 7 miles down….just 19 POINT TWO more after that.  I’ve done 20 miles, I can do 19 POINT TWO. It was in the year of 88 in the lovely month of June, where the gadflies were swarmin’ and dogs howlin’ at the moon – a-ooooo Love that song…. 4 miles…..water stop, sht do I drink, don’t I?  OK I will, I’m quite enjoying this….5 miles….6 miles….SHAAANNNNEEE!! OMG I haven’t seen him since college, oh God I think I’m welling up, emosh much! Chelsea, Chelsea, I believe when you’re daaancin’  Fuck I’ve a stitch…NO I don’t want to stop just yet.  OK crap I have to….eeuuuuhhhhhh touch toes, breath out…OK I’ll go again…. There’s one of the physical therapists – BIIILLLL!! HEYY!!!  Chapelizod, just a few more miles to Crumlin Road and double digits.  I wonder will Dora be out.  She was going out last night, so not likely…wouldn’t blame her.  If you’re not running, you’re just watching people run… I’m feeling good…mile 8….Tommy used to work on the dooooocks, union’s been on strike, he's down on his luck, it's love, oh looooooove. Gina works the diner all dayyyyyy I would SO do Jon Bon!  Mile 9….there’s Sinemo and her mates… SINEEEEMOOOO!!! WOOOOOO!!!  Kilmainham hill, first big hill…..mile 10 – yes double digits! Will this road ever end?  Oh there are so many people out, this is so lovely, my legs hurt, I’m running a marathon, high fiiiivveee!!  Mile 11….It’s just a jump to the left and then a step to the riiiiiiiight. Put your hands on your hips....and bring your knees in tiiiiiiight. What possessed me to put the fricking Time Warp on my running track.  Mile 12…Hey man I’m alliiiiiive I’m taking each day and night at a tiiime.  Yeah defo would do Jon Bon. How old is JB Jovi I wonder? Mmmm, oh!  13 miles!  13 POINT ONE MILES - HALF WAY THERE!! WOOOP!! 

Shit I’ve the same distance to do agai…oh no, what’s that? Darting pain…OK, stop, stretch…OK let’s go again…right, next stop Terenure…shit I forgot Kimmage…oh I’m not as far on as I thought I’d be…what song’s this?  Don’t stop me noooowwwww, I'm havin' such a good time. I'm havin' a ball...I AM having such a good time. It hurts, I’m sore, I’ve walked, but I am LOVING this!! I’m running a marathon!!  Awoopppppp… 14 miles, just 12 POINT TWO more to go!!!  I get knocked down but I get up again, ain’t never gonna keep me down. Yeah could really do without getting ‘knocked down’ or at least not until after a vino later…OMG VINOOOOOOO!!!!  Euw so don’t want vino now but will neck a bottle later! 

15 miles, I can’t wait to see Bemo at mile 18. I’m longer than I thought I’d be, hope she’s not waiting too long, she’s going to be waiting a long time cos I am way behind!  16 miles – Terenure…awww, that woman was so nice I just talked to. She’s expecting her child and hubbie at mile 17….Mile 17, Rathgar, LESS THAN 10 MILES LEFT!! I aaacchhee…but I’m running a marathon. Fuck me, I never thought I’d actually do this. 

We got to,  We got to,  We got to,  We got to, Kick that gangster shit, Come on, we got to kick that gangster shit. Jesus I’ve been singing those lyrics wrong all these years…Mmmm.  My sellotaped adductor actually doesn’t hurt, but my ass and my hips are focking KILLING ME!  Oh there’s the ambulance crew. I wonder if they’ve deep heat for my calf, that’ll bring me the rest of the way.  Milltoooowwwwnnnn… MILE 18!!!  Oh there’s Bemo BEEEEMMOOOOOO!!! I am not looking great or fresh but I love you for saying I do – thank you, thank you!  Thanks for coming out.  Aw shit the hill. I’m walking this hill.  There are so many people, they’re all cheering.  I’m walking! 

OK, brothers will be at miles 20 and 21 so I better be running when I see them… Shit there’s the camera bike, head down Nemo…19 miiiillles!!  Bird Ave is flat right?  WRONG!  OOooo m’hips!!!  Well I’m not the kind to kiss and tell, but I’ve been seen with Farahhhhhh… God I loved the Fall Guy when I was younger.  Great running song.  Oh!!  There’s my bro, with my gel and water…. BROTHAAAAAAA!!!  SISTER IN LLAAWWWW!! WOOOPA!! Love you for cheering me – thank you … yes I know 6 more miles. 6 POINT TWO more miles… Aw man Foster Ave hill coming up, ok brother 2 is up there so I’ll have to walk some to be able to run past him.  Oh my God this is the longest and farthest I’ve every run – 21 MILES!! BROTHHAAAAA TWOOOOOO!!! THANK YOU!!! Love you!!!  OK I can walk again when I get out of sight….Mum Fish, Dad Fish and Sister Fish are at 24 miles, so I only have 3 miles to get on my own.  High five little children, woooop! I’m in agony, every joint and muscle of my body is aching, but I AM IN HEAVEN!!!  UCD 22 miles….that flyover looks soooo steep! Oh it’s sore to run down it too….owowowowow!  I’m running a marathon – woooop!!  Nutley Lane, shit there are ramps here, that’s gonna hurt. 

Here I go agaiiiin on my ooooowwwwnnn, goin' down the only road I've every knooooown…Jesus I have seriously suspect taste in music.  More water, do I need water, do I want water? I’ll take water….thank you wonderful amazing volunteers…OK I have to walk some of Merrion Road…mile 23…OK I think I may cry…my hips hurt, my ass hurts… I am having the time of my life…  Right, folks are up here for sure, I’ll take out the headphones….There’s Dad!  DAD!! Oh he’s so cute, running to Mum.  Oh shit Mum’s crying. Mum stop crying or I’ll start, Little Fish Sister thanks for the water and gel.  LOVE YOU ALL FOR COMING OUT…MWAH!!

Mile 24.  Shit I am wayyyy behind in time…JUST TWO POINT TWO MORE MILES!!!!!!  OK I can’t run anymore, my hips, quads, arse, OW!! I am doing a marathon.  This is amazing Nemo, AMAZING!!  Oh there’s Lemo and her hubbie and mum.  Thanks so much for coming out. Sure, you can run with me but stop crying as I don’t have the oxygen to cry J  Talk to me, don’t ask me questions, tell me about work, distract me from the pain.  I do not look fresh, I look like shit but thank you for saying otherwise! 

Mile 25, OK if you don’t mind I want to run this last mile on my own, thank you so much for joining me and coming out.  ONE POINT TWO MORE MILES!!!  OK, headphones off, savour this experience.  Come on fellow runner.  Come on, just a little more left, it’ll be OK…I know I hurt too…Go you!!!  There’s Trinity…oh my God all these people, it’s amazing.  Thank you all … I am looking at you and you’re looking in my eyes, it’s like you know me. You really want me to succeed. YOU guys are amazing!!  I love you alllll….Fuck there’s 5 hours, that fucking POINT TWO mile!!!  There’s the blue carpet. Run Nemo, wave, smile, cheer, WOOOP!! I did a marathon. WOOOOOP!!!! Oh shit I’m sore. 

I DID A MARATHON. It hurt, it was hard, it was emotional, I'll never do that again, but I wouldn't change a thing!! IIIII I wouldn't change, I-I-I-I I wouldn't change...OK enough of my dodgy music.

Day 21 - Pitching myself to a reality show

Day 21, question 21 - How would you pitch a reality show about yourself? To what network?

It’s like a mix of ‘Pulling’ and ‘Bridget Jones Diary’. 

Start with a portion of Sharon Horgan (playing Nemo), Amy Huberman, Miranda Hart (with a well honed Irish accent), Sally Philips (again Irish accent) and at least 4 very ridey boys. Throw in a pinch of lemon (bitterness ), a large helping of sugar (sweetness and love), a dollop of sarcasm, pinch of judgement, and a generous helping of honesty.

Mix together well, and serve - with a very large glass of wine.

Day 19 - Something people would be surprised to learn about me

Day 19, question 19 - What is something about you that people would be surprised to learn?

I’m extremely insecure, a total over analyser, an introvert and very shy.  Most people think I am quite confident and don’t really give a shit what people think of me.  It’s quite the opposite. I have an introverted personality. I prefer to work alone, figure things out in my own head before articulating, don’t really like to discuss my problems, prefer to shoot the shit around them and work it out in my own head before solving it myself. I hate being told what to do and will often do the opposite, sometimes cutting off my nose to spite my face. But I think most people actually know that about me.  So yeah, insecure, over analyse, an introvert, shy… and I have a mole on my left nipple…

Day 18 - Conversation with yourself in high school

Day 18, question 18 - If you could have a conversation with yourself in high school, what would you say?

Hey 17 year old Nemo,

So…you know the way you give off this vibe of being a hard-nosed, independent person who won’t get hurt? It’s bullshit.  Carpe diem. Fuck it, just live for today and stop worrying about it.  Also, stop worrying about your parents finding shit out about you.  Just go and do stuff, get in trouble, who cares, it's all growing up! Also, would you ever start to study, because you’re going to regret your Leaving Cert results, because you're actually capable of a hell of a lot more. 

At your grad, hang on and get a lift home Michael. He's going to be pissed off and he will bring it up seven years later when you eventually do get together.  Although it’s not intentional, it’s not nice to go home with someone else…even if nothing happened!

You have a wonderful family.  Yes, they drive you insane, you find it hard to be around all of them together but when shit hits the fan, when the chips are down, when you need someone who just understands, one or all of them will be there.  You'll question each and every one of them at some stage in the coming 20 years, but despite certain, specific actions or events, in general they do what they do because they love you.  Just love them and be thankful you're part of that family - frustrating, dysfunctional, crazy and tight as we are. 

In college when a really happy looking girl gets excited about the fact you live on the same street, smile back and look enthusiastic!  I know you don't remember but your reaction was waaayyyy too cool and that happy looking girl is not so happy and is desperately missing home.  And she turns out to become one of your best friends.

In 3^rd year in college, put your name down for that work placement in NYC, don’t think twice about it, just do it. Only four people put their name down and there are three jobs.  Also when college is over, go to Boston with your (happy looking from above!) friend and if you don’t go to Boston, then bloody well go to France. 

Don’t get your hair cut short – ever! And don’t buy that orange satin shirt.  Let’s just say it doesn’t go with your eyes (OR ANYTHING!!) 

Mavis is a snake and a bitch. You were right about her all along. Cut her out long before she starts trouble. Call her on her crazy lying. Tell her exactly what you think of her.

Move to London when one of your best friends is there, it’ll be a blast…oh and at your first Christmas party, stop drinking around midnight…and don’t dance to New York New York. Trust me on this one!

When that cute guy who’s a friend of a friend asks you to come in after you jump out of the car after him, insisting you can walk from there, SAY YES! He is hot and he likes you (and it’ll really piss off the friend of a friend  - ha!)

When you go to France, in the first week one of your friends is going to make some moves, and you’re going to be confused and unsure about how you feel. You'll spend a long time wondering if you did the right thing by saying no.  He turns out to be one of your best friends, don’t waste time panicking or wondering if you should or shouldn’t. You're really compatible, but only as friends. When you’re home that Christmas, don’t kiss that guy you went to school with, just don’t.

When you’re at a gym party and a hot PT flirts with you, go for it, but don’t get carried away, it is what it is, enjoy it.

When your friend tells you not to go home with the guy who ‘fondly’ referred to you as Fresh Meat, she's probably right, but you're also right to ignore her. He will never be anything more than an ongoing fling (for far too long!). You will get hurt because he will never, ever commit to anything, but you know what, he is a lot of fun.  Although, maybe don’t play Spin the Bottle a few weeks later. It all ends up very messy.

When you’re on a girls' weekend in Bunratty, stop drinking meade after cup one, don’t link your friend and don’t wear those pointy white shoes. They’ll make you trip and split your lip and chip your tooth!

When Sleazy PT starts flirting, don’t reciprocate.  If you can’t resist, then insist he treats you right, and after four weeks tell him to shit or get off the pot…and if he’s still sitting and not shitting, end it here and then before it becomes a lengthy and messy affair. Stop training with him, tell him to piss off when he starts being flirty and raunchy in training. Keep your distance, cut ties, cut him out. In fact ideally don’t get involved with him on any level at all.  

Don’t be nervous about taking on a life coach or changing trainers. These two people will be very, very positive influences in your life, worry not. You do absolutely the right thing in engaging with these people and you deserve huge kudos for this.  Well done on taking a big step towards really shaping your future.

Leave The Tank confidently and knowing it’s absolutely the right thing to do.  Pat yourself on the back on that one.  Perhaps don’t go so mad on spending money the next year though. 

When Guy Once Dated is a dick, call him on it.  When he messes you around and gets back in touch, trust your gut, call him on it. You do totally the right thing in ignoring him, even if you didn't really want to at that time. You need closure and it’s in your power, so don’t let him take it.

Stop faffing around with electrolysis and waxing and get that God damn hairy face seen to!  LASER BABY!!  It’s nothing to be scared of, just do it a lot earlier than 36!  And the same goes for Botox, the first big bonus you get, hold back a grand and GET BOTOX AT 30!

Enjoy the attention from your 29 year old when he tells you that you’re hot and he’d been checking you out all night.  You will be morto that there is an 8 year age gap, but who cares, it was one night!  GO YOU!  Enjoy!!

You make great friends, they’re really important to you and look after those relationships well.  You’re going to be really happy. Be a bit more open, throw caution to the wind every now and then. And remember always keep your hair well dyed and always, always shave your legs before you go out.

Love you,

Your 37 year old self XXX

Day 17 - Spiritual Beliefs

Sorry peeps! Behind - again!  So I'll publish two today...I know you all just can't wait!!!!

Day 17, question 17 - What are your spiritual beliefs and how do they impact your relationships/relationship status?

I’m not sure I’m very spiritual, but I have certain beliefs like what you put out in the universe you get back. 

I believe that we learn from every, single interaction, situation, relationship – good, bad or indifferent.  And I have taken good learnings from all those I’ve had. 

Day 16 - Contents of a time capsule

16) If you planted a time capsule right now of your life to be opened in 20 years, what would be in it?

• My running medals
• Pictures of my family and friends
• My pulling dress
• My favourite bra and matching knickersssssss, which would go with my pulling dress
• My Dune biker boots, which are falling apart but I love possibly more than life itself
• My various journals with random thoughts, lists, names and addresses, notes on phone calls
• My notes from all fortune teller visits (well I have to know if any of them were actually true!!)
• My iPod/iPhone with all my really, really dodgy music
• My newly purchased red PVC catsuit
• My laptop with all my random thoughts…and all the drafts that never actually made this blog!

Day 14 - SW Blog Challenge - Last moment you felt really, truly blissful

Sorry folk(s)!  Running behind.  I knew this would happen!!  Anyway day 14 here you go.

 

Day 14, question 14: Describe the last moment you felt really, truly blissful

It was a Tuesday, the sun was shining and I’d just woken up in a Lower East Side hotel in Manhattan.  I’d arrived the previous day after the last day of my life in The Tank.  I’d finally gone, finished, left!  It was exhilarating and I felt a real sense of being on the right path to wherever I was going.  I had no idea where that was but I was on the right road.  I got up, threw on my running gear and headed out on the streets to figure out where I could get a nice 5k route.  I headed right and down towards the Williamsburgh Bridge, where I just ran.  The New York smell hanging in the air made me feel like I was home. I thought about the excitement and freedom of leaving The Tank behind.  I thought of the restaurants, shops, museums, streets and people that were out there in this amazing city, ready for me to watch, visit, see.  I thought of how good I felt at 10st 6lbs, running from Manhattan to the tip of Brooklyn. I thought of the excitement of driving through 5 different states to spend two short days in Nantucket and Hyannisport (would not recommend the latter btw!) I thought of hanging out with my cousin for two days, catching up and having chats and laughs.  I thought of the date I’d organised in London two weeks later and what I might wear, what Guy Once Dated might now look like, be like, where would he bring me.  I felt that the world was my oyster and I was embarking on a two week holiday that was pretty much all about relaxing, getting to know myself and enjoying my own company…and I felt really happy and truly blissful!

Day 13 - The SW Blogging Challenge - Last person I texted

Day 13, question 13: Describe how you met the last person you texted and talk about your friendship/relationship

I'm a day behind on this and I'm not even half way through!! I didn't think it would actually be that hard, but it is! Whodda thunk it?  Writing about me, me, me is hard work!!

OK so here goes - the last person I texted was my friend, whom we shall call Bemo.  I met Bemo when I was doing my post grad. I was working part time with a friend we shall call McMemo, and Bemo and McMemo worked together. Bemo and I just hit it off. We had exactly the same sense of humour, we laughed at the same stuff, we found the same stuff horrendous and hilarious at the same time.  When I finished that part time job we stayed in touch and became firm friends.  That was 11 years ago. 

Bemo is one of my best friends, one of the core 5, and my closest friend in the world.  We see each other most days and say things like “I haven’t seen you in ages”, when it’s been two days.  We talk endlessly about things I am sure other people wouldn’t even get, never mind want to talk about. We have the same sense of humour on most things and can talk with complete lack of judgement. We’ve nearly fallen off bar stools, with tears streaming down our faces at the most stupid joke about a surplus supply of condoms and overestimation of the length of our relationships, we’ve sat in coffee shops/restaurants staring at The Ride of Dublin, knowing neither of us will actually get The Ride of Dublin but knowing it’s totally OK to do this. We’ve gone on hols and let the belly hang out, we’ve flirted with Georgius and Paris, with Derek and Declan. We’ve played the “Who’d wear this game” for years and still get endless hours of fun out of it. We’ve been there for each other when she’s hopped across the wall of the neighbour’s apartment and walked into their living room, in a pair of shorts and bikini thinking it was ours, and when I’ve tried to open the open door, asking the very pretty young male waiter if he’d help me.  She’s supported me as a friend in the last 11 years and in particular over the last year when I’ve been none too happy in my job and my situation, listened to my woes and me talk endlessly about the shit job I had, the funny and upsetting relationships I’ve had. I read a great line that pretty much sums us up our friendship “Life is better when you can share it with a friend who has the same sick, twisted personality as yourself.”

Day 12 - The SW Blog Challenge - My Proudest Accomplishment

Day 12, question 12: Your proudest accomplishment

This is an easy one - Leaving The Tank.  I never, ever thought it would happen. I never really believed I’d have the strength or courage to do it, but I did.  And I made a success of Life After The Tank.  I mean the fact that I’m currently freelancing with no current projects was, loike, all port of the plan, yaw!

Day 11 - SW Blog Challenge - Dates

Day 11, question 11: Your worst/funniest/most embarrassing date

I’ve been quite lucky on dates, but I'm sure I can muster up an odd one or two... I could choose from the one where I downed a bottle of wine and was hammered before he arrived, then proceeded to fall around town with him and flake out on my bed two hours later.  Or the one where he turned up 15 minutes late and during our conversation I mentioned being very punctual and he said “Shit, glad I wasn’t late then” For the record, Mr. I Wear The Same Shirt For Two Dates and Cycle A Dublin Bike, 15 minutes late IS LATE!!! Or the date which wasn’t really a date “I’ll call over and we can have a barbecue” My flatmate will be here, let’s go to the pub instead.  Now, did I ask him on a date or did he me??  Maybe date two of one gent - I really, really, REALLY did not want to go. My head was up the proverbial arse of another buck and I was ‘giving this guy a chance’, so I agreed to a second date, even though we spent the first date talking about the year he went travelling to Asia / Oz (for the record guys and gals, you’ve heard one of those stories, you’ve heard them all.  Unless you were almost arrested for something you didn’t do or lost a limb in an hilarious story, leave it at ‘yeah did the year travelling’) and a lot of other stuff about him. I’m not a big talker about myself (not that you’d know considering I’m writing a blog about me!) but that does not mean I want to spend an entire date talking about YOU!  But I put it down to nerves and said I’d give him another chance.  I arrived on a wet, windy Sunday to a pub in Dublin city I wouldn’t normally go to, but hey that’s half the fun of dating. I was early and trotted in and took a seat. Five mins later he spun in, in a bit of a stressed state, he’d lost / forgotten / mislaid his bank card. I can’t actually remember the detail, but I do remember him being rather embarrassed and panicked about it all.  So I paid for all the drinks, which worked well as it meant I had the upper hand and I also had control over when we would leave.  After three or four drinks I headed off … and agreed to another date. 

Day 10, question 10: Google the meaning of your name and talk about how it fits or doesn’t fit you

This is a bit of an odd one, as when I googled Nemo, can you believe the meaning of Nemo is “nobody"?!?!?!?!  Imagine?  That's so not me!  I secretly love being the centre of attention, I like to be noticed, I like putting on a show. I’m nervous as hell, but I love the attention.

So as that was so incredibly disappointing, I've decided to use my alter ego instead - here goes!

Graceful:

I’m not exactly what you'd call graceful. I’ve fallen over when drunk, chipped my tooth and split my lip, another time I fell over drunk and landed on my finger and chipped a bone.  I fell when out running, in a crop top (!!!!!!), used my arm as a skid brake and got an infection in the cut, I’ve torn ligaments in my ankle in 4 inch heels, I’ve had my fair share of tripping on the footpath and almost falling for about two metres, but not actually falling, then walking normally like no one saw me…but I wouldn’t call myself clumsy either. I've managed 4 inch heels without falling, I've been bridesmaid on more than one occasion and haven't fucked up.   

Courageously defended herself against wrongful accusation:

Um don’t think I’ve ever been…nope actually was once in college wrongfully accused of saying horrible, horrible things about one of my best friends. Never did, it was the psycho Mavis (we shall call her!) who was lying about me, but I didn’t ever actually confront her. I took the moral high ground, i.e. I avoided the confrontation. Hate confrontation, so I would say this is sliiiiightly inaccurate.

People with this name have a deep inner desire to serve humanity and to give to others by sharing money, knowledge and experience, or creative and artistic ability:

I do like to help people and share my knowledge with them.  I think if I hadn’t joined The Tank, I may have been a teacher…and I’m currently pursuing a course which kinda does make me a teacher – of sorts. Now, whether I shall actually teach or not is another thing!

People with this name tend to initiate events, to be leaders rather than followers, with powerful personalities:

Naaaaahhhh – the only event I initiate is dinner, or maybe lunch.  And the power of personality exudes via red wine!

They tend to be focused on specific goals, experience a wealth of creative new ideas, and have the ability to implement these ideas with efficiency and determination:
OMG this is me!!! Well, the specific goals bit. I can’t say that I have a wealth of creative ideas, unless you’re planning a child’s party…but I can sure as hell be efficient and don’t stand in my way. I said GET OUT OF MY WAYYYYY!!!!

They tend to be courageous and sometimes aggressive:

Ooooohh I think not, but I guess you’d have to ask my followers, I mean readers, OK my reader…

As unique, creative individuals, they tend to resent authority, and are sometimes stubborn, proud, and impatient:

Yes, Yes, Yes and yes.

Day 7 - The SW 30-Day Blogging Challenge - Most Important Things In a Future Mate

8) Five things that are most important to you in a future mate

Great arms, stunning face, a tiger, no lion, in bedroom, wads o’ cash…and a good personality, no actually a great car would bump the personality.

Am I serious?? Maybe… oh come on...Well of course a car is important, I mean it was a difficult struggle for me – personality/car?!?!?!  OK, OK serious now, here goes!

Kind and happy – he can be the sexiest man in the world, but if he’s a bit of a dick and unhappy in life, then I have neither the energy nor the inclination to ‘fix him’.

Driven / ambitious – this is really important to me. I want a man who wants to be the best that they can be, really successful in whatever is important to them. He can be cruising in his job, but driven in sport or music (OK so I’m not really into musicians, but keeping an open mind peeps!!). He doesn’t have to be the CEO of his business (not that I don’t find that ambition and success so very, very sexy!), but plodding along just isn’t for me.

Fit and sporty – I am fit and I love my sports, so it’s important to me that the dude I spend my time with is interested in that too. It’s a really big part of my life and so I think it would kinda help that he understand when I get up at 6am to go for a run before work, spend Saturday mornings on long runs or races, not go out Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday because I’ve training / a run / a swim the next day.

Fun – do I need to explain this one??!!  One cannot have enough fun in my life! 

Attractive – well if he ain’t attractive to me, then we’re just friends!

Day 7 - The Single Woman 30 Day Blogging Challenge - Are You Where You Thought You Would Be?

Day 7, question 7: Where you are in your life vs. where you thought you would be at this point

No job, no house, no husband, no kids…and no TV for about six weeks….

When I joke about my sit’yation at the moment this is what I say. This will stop now!  I am well aware of the Law of Attraction, so on day seven of the Single Woman 30-Day Blogging Challenge, this is going to stop!  But it does help to explain where I am versus where I thought I’d be. 

I’ve changed my view of where I thought I’d be so often over my life. Where I thought I’d be at 37 when I was 20 is so very, very different to where I thought I’d be when I was 36.

When I was in my teens I found it hard to imagine myself over 27.  But in my teens I did see myself at 27 as married (albeit to a footballer!) and with two children, a boy and a girl. I was a teacher, but may have given up or working part-time to mind my children. We were living in an amazing split level house in the UK, close to a city, but on a big fuck off site (basically a WAG/Footballer’s house in Manchester/Liverpool/Norwich/Leeds/Newcastle!!!) It was all about the money, money!!

As I got older my vision moved to my 30s and I still saw myself living in New York or Dublin (I know, I’m v specific in my locations!) but still with children, except as I got older, I thought it would be with one child rather than two. Time is of the essence, woman in your 30s, aging ovaries, dusty womb, tick-fucking-tock!

At 32 I was with someone and I really liked him. On one side of the paper he was perfect and on the other so completely wrong, but I refused to turn the page. I was looking at buying a house and had my eye on one in Donnybrook which was beyond cute.  I thought, “In five years’ time, I’ll be living in <<insert address here!>>, I could actually be married and have a baby, be super fit and healthy, working in morkeshing in The Tank” Married to said man?  I don’t know, I guess I was hooked on him and hoped it would work out, but not sure I saw myself in a white dress, walking down the aisle with him.  How and ever, I am not with said individual, I don’t have a baby, I am fit and healthy, I work in morkeshing, I’m not in The Tank.  I am in a muuuuuch better place than where I thought I’d be and for that I am very, very glad.

At 33, I was working in The Fish Tank, I hated it, I hated the WWs, the super heroes, Flipper, The Big Fishes, and I looked to my future and thought “Fuck, when I’m 37 I’ll be in The Tank, still fucking going long and short, left and right, up and down.  Fast forward four years….I’m not in The Tank and I’m so fucking happy I’ve left. 

When I was 34, I was in the midst of making moves out of The Tank, I was interviewing for a job in New York, I weighed 12.5 stone, my heaviest at that time, and I did not like myself. I thought “When I’m 37, I’ll be in NYC babyyyyyyy, I’ll lose loads of weight and look amaaaazing!” I’m not in NYC, but I’m not in The Tank, I’ve lost loads of weight and am pretty damn happy with how I look, except for the grey hairs… 

When I was 35, I still weighed 12.5 stone, I hated my body and felt beyond unattractive. I had finally bitten the bullet, spoken with The Big Fish and told him I was leaving The Tank. I was also single at this time, but really wanted this to change.  I thought “In two years’ time, I’ll be 10 stone, 13.999999 pounds, I’ll be running sub two hour half marathons, I’ll be working on a contract or freelancing with some cool business outside of The Tank’s industry. I have to do something about my love life!”  I’m 37, I’m now 10 stone 13.999999 pounds I am running sub two hour half marathons and faster 10ks, 5 miles, 5ks, I’m freelancing with no current projects (!) and I still need to do something about my love life. . .

Last year I had finished in The Tank, just come back from hols, weighed under 10.5 stones, breaking every PB I had in every road race. I’d contacted Guy Once Dated and we had just spent our first full weekend together.  I was working in a poxy contract but it brought me to the UK regularly.  I thought “Next year I’ll be working somewhere else, it’s time to move from Dublin, I’ll be doing an amazing job or contract in a top Tank industry business, I’ll be racing like I always do, fit, healthy, I’ll progress this "thing" with Guy Once Dated. Maybe we will be together, maybe we won't. But that doesn't really matter, I've made a move! I've made a change!”

So it's the 6th of October, I'm 37, am I where I thought I’d be?  In short, no.  But in some respects I’m in a much better place. Did I ever think I’d do a triathlon? A half marathon?  Leave The Tank? Live on my own?

Today, I’m available for work anywhere in the world. I’m meeting lots of recruiters and companies. One such company I’ve fallen in love with and they want to keep in touch about a potential job in 6 months.  I’m renting a great apartment which is now home, the landlady loves me (not least because according to all other tenants, I’m the crazy bitch who lives in 33A).  I can’t ever see her asking me to move, this is mine for as long as I want. It’s a great spot, close to the city, lots of lovely restaurants, bars, coffee shops close by. I’ve amazing friends and have a great laugh when we do get together.  I’ve lost a chunk of the weight I put on over the last 12 months; I’m fit, running and triathloning (not a word!)  I’m single and childless and this is probably the one thing that I want to change. But hey, I’m happy and I’m ready, even with my tick-tocking aging ovaries and dusty womb! (And I have my TV back!)

Day 5 - The SW Blogging Challenge - Biggest Misconception Of Single Person

Day 5, question 5: The biggest misconception you think people have about single life

I think this is a really personal one, so it’ll vary from person to person, but for me it is that people seem to think that when you’re single, you’re not quite whole, a little unhappy and unfulfilled and that meeting someone and being in a relationship / married will fulfil that and finally I’m happy.

BUUUUULLLLLLLSHIT!  I know many people who are as content and discontented as I and they are in relationships or married.  Being attached does not make you whole. Yeah I hope that for every sock there is a pair (OCD-esque!) but until I’m happy in my own, slightly saggy, bit hairy, quite pasty, cellulitey skin, then no man is going to make me feel whole or happier!!

 
If their questions and comments are anything to go by, my parents definitely hold that view:
“I just want you to be happy”
“You deserve someone, you deserve to be happy”
“Well isn’t it great that Maggie / Bartholomew / Mary / Aloysius met someone…and at his/her age, it’s never too late”
“I hear Jessie / James / Jenny / Jill is going out with a new woman / fella. Isn’t that great?? Isn’t it???”

I have screamed at them “I AM HAPPY!!!” which clearly translates to them as “She keeps saying she’s happy, I really don't think she is..."

So yeah, biggest misconception is that everything is better with a boy!

Day 4 - SW 30 Day Challenge - Biggest Fear As A Single Person

Day 4, question 4: Your biggest fear as a single person.

That the last person I had sex with, will be…the last person I had sex with!

That I’ll cut my finger again and this time pass out and bleed out in my rented apartment.

That I’ll die suddenly and the newspaper headline will read “42 year old single Tanker found dead in tracksuit, in rented apartment where she lived alone” (I’m not 42, nor a Tanker, nor wear tracksuits)

That I’ll still be going to my parents’ house for Christmas in 2038.

That people feel sorry for me.

That my family will think “What will happen to Nemo?”

That I’ll turn into a crazy 50 year old with lots of friends dotted around the country, but no ‘person’.

That I will end up dedicating my life to my family (and no disrespect to them whatsoever).

That I will be expected, as the single one, to look after my aging parents.

That I will become a burden to sisters/brothers.

But my single biggest fear is being alone….

Day 2 - Single Woman's 30-Day Blogging Challenge

So it's day two of the blogging challenge - hope you enjoy!

Day 2, question 2: Describe a moment or a day when being single really sucked.

I could be facetious and just say “Take your pick – Wednesday when I did really well in an interview and wanted someone to get as excited about it as I was; Thursday when I was feeling horny; Friday when I cut my finger and was convinced I was going to bleed out in my living room alone; Saturday when I was twitching for a night out and there was no one around; Sunday when I wanted to go to the pub to watch the Ryder Cup and couldn’t bring myself to go alone because not only would my secret be out (I watch golf!), but it’s still slightly odd for a woman to go into a pub on her own in Dublin in 2014; Monday when I cooked enough dinner for a family of seven and ran out of Tupperware containers to freeze it and would have liked a man to horse into two or three portions; Tuesday when I wanted a hug after a rather depressing meeting with a recruiter who told me that opportunities are slim and I need to basically lower my expectations, look internationally or, in my words, settle!”

But the question is to describe a day or moment, so here goes. 

I’m quite an independent person.  I have been on my own for a while and know how to change a light bulb, fix a TV, cook a three course meal for fourpeople, live on my own, travel on my own, who to phone when the car breaks down!  I’m the person my family calls when something goes wrong. It’s my role, I’m the carer, the fixer, the one who can ‘help’…so when I’m the one who needs help, care, something goes wrong...well eh what do you do?!. 

Twice recently I found myself in a vulnerable position where I needed help.  I had to go into hospital for the most minor of minor elective surgeries, which was my first experience of ‘going under’. I have to say I was very excited and mildly nervous of being under general anaesthetic.  Would I be that urban legend who would wake up mid-op and feel pain but be paralysed to speak?  Would I have an out of body experience, the story of which I could sell to dailymail.co.uk? Would I even die and my last thought be ‘I hope they sort out the lump on my fing….’

Foolishly perhaps, I didn’t think that I would not be released to go home on my own, after being knocked out and also for the first time.  So when my dad dropped me to the clinic on his way to his hospital appointment, I warned him that he was to go home, I did not want to wake up and he there, I was a big girl and could look after myself.  So two hours later when the 15 year old nurse asked me who was collecting me, I rather proudly said “Oh I’ll be getting a taxi”…and she retorted “Oh you won't be getting a taxi, you must be collected, we can’t release you otherwise.” 

“Oh eh OK, well, (mind runs quickly through list of friends – France, New York, Boston, just had baby, Cork, Italy…they were all out of Dublin!!) what time will I be released?”

“I don’t know, two hours after you come back to the ward”
“Yeah but what time will that be, it’ll be too late for my father, he will be gone, I told him to go…”
“I don’t know exactly, maybe 4.00, maybe 3.00.  I’m sure a friend would collect you, do you…have…a friend?”
“It’s Friday afternoon, everyone is at work”
“But we can keep you until after work, surely a…friend…would collect you”
“I DON’T HAVE A "FRIEND"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK so I didn’t verbalise the last bit but was screaming it inside…and there and then I realised I don’t have that one person who MUST come and collect me, who knows that I’m in hospital and would probably know that I would need collecting and would make it his business to be available.  And while I did have people to call and they all just happened to be otherwise engaged and I did call my brother who very kindly, with no questions, jumped to it and stepped right in and I will be eternally grateful to him, at that very moment, I just lay there in the gaping at the back hospital gown, on my own, thinking “being single SUCKS!!!!!”

The Single Woman's 30-Day Blogging Challenge

Well hello there folks.  So you can tell by the title of this post that either my online dating was a disaster or I got bored. I am ashamed to say it was the latter.  There was viewing of my profile but no contact. I did make contact with a few guys and one did come back with all 'the chat' but I realise he is a serial responder!!  So after about two weeks, I got bored.  I have to tell you it's a bit soul destroying for a fish!  Well I was only dipping my toe in the 'pond' to test myself but I know it's something I have to do, unless I want to be writing The Single Woman's 3,650-Day Blogging Challenge in my mid-late 40s.

So, what is this all about.  Some of you may be aware of Mandy Hale, the original Single Woman.  If you don't know her, whether single, dating, relationship, married, divorced or celibate, check her out.  She's got some really great words of wisdom. Some may piss you off depending on where you are at, but you might just get something from some of it. I really like her ethos, her thought process and her words of wisdom, even if, despite myself, I don't always listen :-(

Anyway, enough about that, what's with the blogging challenge Nemo?  Well Mandy has set a 30-Day blogging challenge, with questions to which you can answer and blog, one each day for 30 days.  And now that I am 'freelancing with no current projects'/desperately seeking (near to) perfect employment' I thought this was exactly the time to take up this challenge.  Some may be funny, some serious, but I'm trying to keep it light. 

Now I will preposition this by saying I may sound a little bit angry or bitter in some answers, please be assured it's not directed at you (unless perhaps you're Sleazy PT, Guy Once Dated, Smug Married, Smug Mom...then perhaps I am a liiiiiiittle pissed with you but am getting over it).  It is not my intention to insult (even those in brackets), so if you feel insulted, I apologise. This is not about anyone but me, so please don't take anything personally, laugh with me, please don't cry even with me, it'll be really awkward, and if you enjoy this or any of my blog, share, share, share :-)  OK here goes:

Day 1, Question 1:
Your response to everyone’s favourite question: “And why are YOU still single?”

I'm always tempted to say "And why are YOU still married to HIM/HER?" when someone asks me this, but the psychoanalyst will use words such as "projecting issues" and I have neither the time nor inclination to argue that or even consider if they're right!

Oh I guess it's because I haven't met the right person yet.  Fussy?  Well no I don't think I'm fussy, I know what I like and what I don't like. Give him a chance?  Well I give everyone a chance, but if they don't make an impact on me, well they don't make an impact.  Words dead, flogging and horse come to mind.

I will certainly admit that in my younger years, I always felt I had time, that there was someone more interesting, better looking, successful, fun out there and so was always looking outside. Hmmm, guess that didn't quite work out.

Then there was the looooong period of my life where I tended to always go for someone who liked me, but was in some way unavailable.  Was I slutty and sleeping around, "giving the wrong impression" as one friend referred to sleeping with someone too early in a relationship (please tell me, when is that?? I've heard of people who've married having slept with each other on date one, and someone else who was dumped for not putting out soon enough?!) 

I know I would always give guys a chance to a certain point and as soon as it started to get serious, or I'd have to become any way vulnerable I'd back away or sabotage.  Call it not wanting to get hurt, call it immaturity, but whatever you call it you can call it a waste of time.

So here I am in mid to late 30s, happy with my life, successful, fit and healthy, not bad looking, own teeth and hair (so much of own hair I'm getting much of it permanently removed!!), own home (albeit rented), own car (albeit 8 years old) and finally ready to meet someone and not only are there not many of those matched men out there, but there is not social scene to even meet them (utter the words 'join a club' at your peril!).  So how did I find myself in this position?  How did it happen so quickly?  When did everyone else grow up and become "we"?

What I often want to say to people who ask that question is usually something along the lines of one or all of the following:
And why are you still married to him/her?
Because I'm really a thundering bitch that no one would dare spend a night with, never mind most of their spare time.
Because I'm the Messiah and I can't commit myself to one person, I'm here to save people, yes people like you.
Because I can't imagine saying "til death do us part" or having sex with just one person for the rest of my life...
Because I don't want to end up like you - bored, nosey and living my life through someone else.
Because I won't settle.
Because I'm emotionally fucked and don't know how to be happy.
And why are YOU still a nosey bitch?

But the real answer to "And why are YOU still single? is "I don't know..."

Sweet Mother of the Divine Jesus...I've just set up a profile (with PICS!!!) on a dating website. And I've sent two messages to what seem like two really nice guys.  What seem like being operative words!!
I think the fact that I'm no longer working, or not currently working should I say, means that signing up to an online website where everyone can see my name, pictures, profile description, thoughts, ambitions and aspirations, and opening the possibility to them being crushed doesn't seem to bother me so much.  Well, that and the fact that my little brother got married at the weekend and it's kind of awoken me to the fact that I need to do more if I am to meet someone.  Do I think I'll meet MoD (Man of Dreams) on some free online dating website in Dublin?  NO!  But do I think it's good practice for flirting and dating? YES!!
You see, since Guy Once Dated left and reappeared on social media with a new chick within 4 weeks, well I've been having a bit of a dry spell and being on the cusp of late 30s I can't really sit here protecting the old heart and letting the lips (or indeed the lady garden!) get dusty!!  Nope I need to get back on out there and put myself out there and at least try to flirt, have a bit of excitement and fun! 

So it's been 13 minutes since my profile went live and I've already had one weirdo "Hey!" message.  Please!! Boys, can you just send me a little bit more information than "Hey!".  Keep your "Heys!" for Tinder, my experience on which ended with the words "stupid c__t" by a charming solicitor in Ranelagh who took offence with me questioning some pretty suspect claims!  Whether I was right or wrong, the C-word really was uncalled for and made me glad we hadn't actually gotten to the stage of meeting!!!!

Right, well I'll keep you posted on anything exciting. 

Readers I’m back!  I know I’ve been off the radar…it’s been a funny time for me. I’ve been CRAZY busy at work, (more of that another time!), have been HORSING on the weight, so much so I even went on Dukan and took a PG test…fear not, fear not. I dumped Dukan and the test was negative! 

But I’m back now and I’m determined to try to focus more on the good and the great muscles I have in my arms rather than the squidge around the belly!!

And with this epiphany (helped by a reiki session and reading…I’m telling you, 6kg gain will make you try ANYTHING!!) I went into training with a new outlook.  I only put on 0.1kg so I'm calling that major success, not only because it's negligible, but also because I had a total bender of a weekend, which included chips!! But I'm loving myself these days and not beating self up...I .... am....AMAAAAAZING!! Did you know that?! 

Anyway, yes, training...so he worked me really hard....I know I wanted to be worked hard, I thought I’d been working hard, but Christ on a bike, this was one hell of a session…

Set 1:
20 squats with 2 x 2.5kg weights pushing them out at shoulder level when you stand up
20 squats with 2 x 2.5kg weights pushing them up in the air when you stand up
20 squats with 2 x 2.5kg weights, hands facing and pushing them up when you stand up
20 squats with 2 x 2.5kg weights used like kettle bells through the leg and stand up
STRAIGHT into sets 2 and 3, no break....
"Now, run around the square as fast as you can...."  Huh???? "Run aorund the square as fast as you can...5...4..."  "OK, OK, sht!!"  nearly got knocked down by a bike on the way back trying to get in as fast as could...

I arrived back in, slightly delirious, shaking and swaying, face BRIGHT RED and a 'glowing' chest (read sweaty and clammy!)

Then onto bench with set 1:
15 bench presses with the same weights
15 twisted bench presses with the same weights
15 flies with the same weights...
straight into sets 2 and 3 no break....By the middle of set 2 I was hurting in my elbow!! My hands shook, my arms shook, my soul was shaking

"OK - step ups....
20 left, 20 right....3 sets....no break.  Throughout it all, all I could think was, he has got to move onto my core now, right??

Back around the square..." WHAT???? No, nooooo, ARE YOU SERIOU.... "...fast as you can...5...4..."  "FOOOOOOOCK!"  Let's just say it was NOT so fast this time and I gladly waited for traffic to pass... This time I am not sure how I made it down the stairs. I ache in so many places, I really don't know. I could have cartwheeled, walked on my hands, slid down on my bum.

Then I had to do planks, 3 sets, no breaks...full, left side, right side, face PUMPING with blood to the surface, like a beetroot that had been embarrassed by a tomato...finally he told me lie on my back, sweat pouring off me, no more trickles or glows, just sweat from every orifice leaving pools behind me...I thought great, on my back, stretching.  "Hold onto my ankles, put your legs in the air (no, nothing kinky, this is Super PT not Sleazy PT!!), swing them down to 2 inches from the ground, 3 sets of 20...I didn't know what I was doing, I was holding my breath, engaging my core, trying not to fart, sliding on t mat from all the sweat I was emitting...I managed two swingings of legs to two inches off the ground, then it became more like 2 feet off the ground and it STILL hurt! 

Finally he said "you're done..." I could have told him that! Training and exercising may help you feel good, look good, feel sexy, be attractive to the opposite sex, but by Christ you sure as hell look shite doing it!